Gray-Seraphim

Gawddamnit why is everyone leaving? I know this is sudden, but why is everyone leaving? I just called to check up on my buddy in phoenix since I was gonna drop by tomorrow, but then he dropped this bombshell on me. The whole reason I was going up there was because a friend of mine was moving out to New Mexico. Now another one just tells me he's moving all the way out to gatorfuck-Florida! What the hell!? It's not so much that they are moving on that's making me upset. I think we'll be perfectly good friends forever without being in the same state, but I was the one who was supposed to leave this shithole in a desert first! Argh! Other than that I do miss playing with those guys and I thought we'd be able to have tons of fun once i graduate... sorry it's taking a while guys, if you're reading this, I hope you'll forgive me. Phoenix was too small for you guys anyways. I hope you both find something worthwhile. I'm sure you'll get a kick out of Florida, Joel. It's a perfect start for your zoology career. And Anette, the place you wanna go is about 300 miles in the opposite direction. You've always been the Hollywood kinda girl. So I'm hoping that you'll both read this someday and know that I want to kick you both in the general nads area, and that I luv you both anyways.


Now for the rest of you deviants:  ↑↑↑

I've got three more weeks and I'll have finished my first productive semester in a while... still off track though. Ah man, gotta work on that. More importantly, though, I'm alive. Okay it was stupid but cut me some slack. People should print some warning on styrofoam that says almost every adhesive known to man will react with the foam forming fumes which could potentially asphyxiate you in a sealed room. Everyone know that, though, right? Normally I wouldn't complain about these things, but shit. Nearly dieing is a perfect reason to whine like a little bitch. I mean it was scary waking up and tripping balls to a waking nightmare in which I'm in a room full of people talking shit about me, wearing surgical masks so I can't see their faces, and holding invisible martini glasses. Nothing is scarier than a person who's face you can't see before they kill you and leaving no way of knowing who's ass to haunt for your murder. Given, zombies are out of the picture, of course. An' the cool thing is, I almost didn't make it out. Running out of bed so soon after getting out of said bed is usually an impossible task even without the heinous lack of oxygen. The trouble is, I'm considering doing this more often in order to wake up earlier and make it to class on time. Though, that would just be too out of character for me huh? Really what I need to do, is start being less stupid so that I can finally drown in the shower like a normal idiot. After all that, I'm surprised it hasn't happened already. Don't let me become an adult role-model for the little ones. Easiest way to do that is to let Darwinism take its course and phase me out. Sesame seeds!
↑↑↑

It's a friday night, you go home expecting to have a free afternoon. You are in that state of mind where, though you are aware that the cumulative hours of the next day's work far exceed any time you spend sleeping in the back of your classes, you are compelled to throw your backpack on your bed and rest easy for the night. Problem is, your bag hits something pretty damned dude-shaped underneath your covers. Turns out that some morron broke into your house and decided to sleep under your covers before making off with your tv and a couple dozen boxes of thinmints that your hot nextdoor neighbor's kid sister guilted you into buying. For some reason, instead of taking that soccer trophy, which you proudly won in the third grade, not for wining, but for breaking your nose on the goddamn ball, and reenacting the coolest prison scene ever from Silence of the Lambs; you pull the covers off. For some fucking reason. A man who, with the exception of missing a left eye and a vulture nose, looks an awful lot like Kevin Smith when he played Silent Bob, blinks at you with an almost sweet childlike innocence. In otherwords, he is plastered in your bed as you stand there exhausted from a hard day, ready to get some sleep.
No? Never happened to you? Well here is the story of two such men.

Man: What the... hel-
Burglar: Dibs.
Man: What?
Burglar: I was here first, I called dibs.
Man: Dibs on what?
Burglar: The bed.
Man: Get the fuck outta my house.
Burglar: Or what? You'll call the cops? You gonna tell on me, little man?
Man: Yes.
Burglar: ...
Man: ...
Burglar: Tell you what. You can take the couch an-
Man: What the hell ar you stil-
Burglar: AND, I'll let you have a pillow. A. Pillow.
(Burglar#2 walks in)
Burglar#2: Hey what's all the commotion? I th... oh hello.
Burglar: Hi there.
Man: No don't say hi, both of you get ou... Is that my beer?
Burglar#2: Uhhh...
(Man takes the can form Burglar#2)
Burglar: Well that wasn't very polite.
Man: You, take your friend and get out of my house before I call the police.
Burglar: He ain't my friend, I don't even know the guy.
Burglar#2: Hi I'm Melvin.
Man: Well then how are you both- You know what? I don't even care. Here, take the beer and fuck off.
Burglar: Why I never.
Man: OUT!
Burglar: Fine, geez. Let me just take a box o' cookies on my way out.
Man: Fine, christ, I don't care any more.
(Exit Burglar & Burglar#2)
-The next morning-
(Man slowly emerges from under his covers looking oddly refreshed.)
Burglar: Mornin' sunshine!
Man: Aw Son-of-a-bitch!

I can totally make this into a sitcom. Seriously, two burglars in a man is a comedy goldmine. I'll call it: "Two Burglars and a Man." Whadda ya think eh? ABC material, is it not?

Seriously though. Alright, listen up. You're sitting around in lets say a waiting room of some sort and you hear a crunching sound... well several of them, in very fast succession. Kinda like, well I dunno, point is, you look over and see a hamster eating like some pellets or something. I don't really car what he's eating. Point is it's cute. Now replace the hamster with an old man eating out of his palm with a big ol' mustache in the way... I know even cuter right?
Yeah I know what you're going to say, but I was going to wright something about tweens today. Luckily for me, I had to quit my writing and my research for the day to run some errands. In the middle of which, I was cooling off after making a platelet donation, (and honestly, united blood services is in short supply for something that people, such as cancer patients, need a new unit of every two to three days, so if you wanna donate to a worthy cause, it won't even cost you a dime) and this scruffy old man that looked kind of like a scottish terrier was just nibbling at some of these little cookie bits in the palm of his hand. He was bald , but the mustache just gave him this adorable scruffy look. Then it hit me. I just called an old man adorable. Well shucks, that's pretty weird seeing as I know very intimately how gross old men can be, from loose bowel movements to all the sickening things their leathery flacky skin can do. That's when everything became clear to me.
Old people have been using this particular oddity for years. You ever seen a depression era old man? well they kinda look like the lightpost guy (Gaspar) from Chrono Trigger. Small body, but a big baggy suit and a bowler hat. Now at the time there were no obese old men. It's a scientifically proven fact. go back even further and you have the squishy jovial old men which you've seen from Coca-cola portrayals of Santa Clause. Too untimely for you? Well let's step forward to Mickey from the Rocky movies. Step back and look at Heidi's grandfather. Go even further back, you've hit a paradox and were sent to the limbo of the space time continuum where you see the Macy's portrayal of Father Time with his oversized beard and hourglass. Face it. Old men are as adorable as pet store bunnies and you just have to deal with it. Don't be ashamed. You aren't alone.

If today's "Gray's Fantastic Daily Blog" offended you or opened up a new realm of unyielding nightmares call 555-Lemonparty extension holyshityouactuallylookeditupdidntyou

So let's simplify things first of all. Paint everything all apples and peaches for a sec. Remember when you were in grade school, sitting down at lunch, when you took your plastic knife and shived the guy sitting next to you; then afterwards got off scott free since technically the rules covering assault with a deadly weapon didn't cover plastic restaurant knives as a deadly weapon? Fuck no! I got detention for even having a plastic knife. That's not the point. I'm talking about a Miss. Jamie Leigh Jones. If you haven't googled her name already, (Bing it if you're that much of a wuss. I, however, like to be hardcore and yahoo all my shit while strangling a buck with one arm and towing a bus full of children with the other.) then you should know that Miss. Jones, back in 2005, was raped by her co-workers at Halliburton/KBR located in Baghdad. Oh, it doesn't end there. Afterwards she was held in a shipping container without supplies for a day, just to keep her mouth shut and to make it clear that if she left Iraq to press charges, she'd be fired. Now my analogy kicks in with a small clause in her contract, which I was too lazy to look up or read or whatever, (I had a late night last night. Gimme a break.) that stated all assault or harassment would be settled in "private arbitration"
Now it's a given fact and simply an over all human understanding that there are certain things that just can't be signed off in a contract. Yeah, sorry Satan, looks like you've gotta come up with yet another hair-brained scheme. You're right to be... not raped is one of them. Yet every time she fought for her day in court, KBR kept on throwing that shit back in her face over and over again like a gawddamn chimp. (Those things could play big league ball if they didn't love their ass boogers so much)
That is why, Minnesota Senator, Al Franken (Democrat), shot out an amendment to the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill, that would stop signing defense contracts to companies like KBR which would prevent their employees from having their cases heard in court. Fucking awesome! Of course every would sign on that shit right away, right?
...
... Oh you silly republicans and your bipartisan nay-say. Now the bill was passed, so you don't have to hold your breath there, but get this. It passed with 68 votes for and 30 votes against it. Now about 20% to 30% of the supporting votes were republican. Guess what majority of the opposing votes were democratic?
Give up?
OMG you were right! (probably)
0%
Which means all thirty of the opposing votes were republican. LMAO! Now I'm not saying that those hefty politicians enjoy the good ol' gang rape now and then, but the only logical reason would be that they simply voted against it because it was a Democratic proposal. I mean that's like... I can't think of an analogy dumb enough.
If you can't please post one post haste, coz you can't make this shit up!

This has been the first of "Gray's Fantastic Daily Blog". The source of all of my info on the subject was Fark and Think Progress.
If you would like a t-shirt or tickets to the next show, call 555-screwoff extension, yourface.
Goodnight America!